Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an c*nt.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN !!!
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make your think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Wednesday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 9, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES -- You make the bed (+1) -- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) -- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) -- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) -- In the rain (+8) -- But return with Beer (-5) -- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) -- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (still 0) -- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) -- You pummel it with fireplace poker (+10) -- It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS -- You stay by her side the entire party (0) -- You stay by her side for a while, then go chat with a friend (-2) -- Named Tina (-4) -- Tina is a dancer (-10)
HER BIRTHDAY -- You take her out to dinner (0) -- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) -- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) -- And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) -- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT -- You take her to a movie (+2) -- You take her to a movie she likes (+4) -- You take her to a movie you hate (+6) -- You take her to a movie you like (-2) -- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3) -- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE -- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) -- You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) -- You develop a potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and Hawaiian shirts (-30) -- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION -- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [That's right, you lose points no matter how you answer] -- You hesitate in responding (-10) -- You reply, "Where?" (-35) -- Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION -- When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) -- You listen for over 30 minutes (+50) -- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) -- She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
[Fw: from Dustin] This was sent to PhoneBin when one of the servers f*cked up resulting in a 5 minute wait for a page to load, poor old Brian gets all the grief... which to be honest is fine by me :)
[Fw: from Ossie] All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through. Some of them are prime candidates for the 'What was I thinking?' award....
ALL these web sites actually exist, selling something totally benign. [the Italian electricity generator site requires a password]
A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: www.whorepresents.com
Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."
